Baby Rivers

On the 2 July 2011, 3.5 weeks before his due date, our beautiful baby boy, River Jak Adam was born, weighing 7lb 3oz.

4 months 4 days followed, with River being the light of our life.. doted on by family and friends, piling on the weight, even trying to stand up at any chance he could. He was the happiest, most contented baby; who made every one smile who he came into contact with. River loved anything but sleep; playing with his toys, dancing with his nanny to the Wiggles and walking in his pram along the beach... but nothing compared to his nightly baths where his chuckles could be heard echoing through the house.

On Sunday 6 Nov, we were child minding 2 of our friends children and took them bowling and for lunch. River loving all the sounds in the bowling alley, giggled away, fed well and his slight cold which had developed the day before, seemed to disappeared over night. We got home, he was bathed, still smiling and happy and I fed him as his Daddy said an early goodnight.

River and I, along with my Mum, his doting Nanny, played on the couch, cuddled up, laughed and fed and about 8.30pm he went to sleep in his cot. We had a visual monitor (the only way I would start putting him in his cot as before that he was in a bassinet next to our bed and was starting to turn over; I was scared he would fall out!) and I turned the monitor on in our bedroom that his Dad was sleeping in.

River woke a couple of times, wanting cuddles back to sleep as normal, and at 11.30pm I fed him again, made sure he was sleeping and popped him back into his cot, thinking I would be woken again at about 2-3am for his next feed.

Mum and I said goodnight - her room being next door to his - and I went to bed. I checked the monitor and he was sound asleep.

At 7.25am the next morning I awoke to my husband getting back into bed from feeding our dogs and asked him what time it was.. when he said 7.30am I stared straight at the monitor thinking, why hadn't River woken me?! I couldn't see him so thought Mum must have woken up before us and grabbed him so we could have a sleep in. A minute or so passed and I told my husband I would just check Mum was ok with him and I'd be right back. Walking out of our bedroom I expected to see Mum and River on the couch watching a TV show or playing in his bouncy car as often that is where they would be.. I couldn't see anyone so rushed to Mums room thinking maybe they had gone out for a walk but strange at 7.30am.. Mum was asleep as I rushed in asking "Mum, where’s Riv?!"she woke paniced asking "what do you mean where’s Riv?! before she could answer I rushed into his room to his cot.

River had rolled out of the way of the monitor, was half way up the cot and had his face away from me. I rolled him towards me in a panic and instantly screamed for help.

Our little man, the light of our life, the most precious thing in our world, had died, sometime between 11.30pm and that morning.

This was on the 7 Nov 2011. River was 128 days old. Our beautiful baby was healthy, happy, cared for and slept safely. How could this have happened?

Words can't explain the empty, numb feelings that have engulfed us since the nightmare began. It feels like a lifetime has passed and each morning is a reminder that it isn't all a nightmare we are waiting to wake up from. Did I dream having him? was he really ours? why him? Why was he taken away?

The anger and hurt is sometimes too much and we aren't sure if the tears will ever stop.

We have had it confirmed by the coroner that River appears to be a "pure SIDS" case. There were no outside influences, no sickness, virus or organ defect...River was healthy, strong and perfect in every way. This couldn't have been prevented or predicted.. so it has given us that extra drive to discover WHY this happens. Our baby was beautiful and our purpose to live each day; now we have to make sure that our future generation don’t suffer the loss that we have and that we put Rivers name up in life for eternity.

Mummy and Daddy can’t mend our broken hearts my darling, but we vow with every breath we take, to do our best for you. In life and death our beautiful boy, you are our son, our life, our inspiration forever. Every tear we are wishing you were with us, and in our dreams we are holding you in our arms. Till we meet again... x